Losing someone is one of the hardest experiences we can go through, and often, we don’t know how to respond when someone shares such heart-wrenching news.
If a friend, colleague, or family member sends you an obituary, it can be hard to figure out the right words to say. Should you offer condolences?
Mention a shared memory? Express sympathy, or simply acknowledge the sadness of the situation?
In this blog post, I’ll walk you through exactly what to say when someone sends you an obituary, with actionable steps, examples, and a range of responses based on the context of your relationship with the deceased and the person sharing the news.
By the end of this post, you’ll have the tools to respond with kindness, empathy, and understanding in a way that feels natural and comforting.
How to Respond to an Obituary
1. Acknowledge the Loss with Sensitivity
When someone sends you an obituary, the first thing to do is acknowledge the loss. This may seem like an obvious step, but it’s important to approach it with care and consideration. Begin by expressing sympathy, and ensure your message reflects the grief and seriousness of the situation.
Here are a few things you could say:
- “I am so sorry to hear about [Name]’s passing. My heart goes out to you and your family.”
- “I just saw the obituary for [Name]. What a tremendous loss. Please accept my deepest condolences.”
- “I was saddened to hear about [Name]’s passing. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.”
These types of responses show that you acknowledge the grief and offer your sympathy in a simple, yet heartfelt way. It doesn’t have to be elaborate—sometimes, less is more when it comes to showing empathy.
2. Offer Support
After acknowledging the loss, it’s important to offer support. Grieving people need comfort, and even if you can’t be there physically, showing that you care can make a huge difference. You can offer words of encouragement, express that you’re there for the person, or simply let them know they’re not alone.
Here are some examples of offering support:
- “If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m here for you.”
- “I can’t imagine how difficult this must be. If you’d like to talk or need help with anything, I’m just a call away.”
- “Please know that I’m thinking of you during this time, and if there’s anything I can do to help, I’d love to.”
In moments of grief, it can be easy to feel isolated. Offering support, even in small ways, helps people feel seen and heard.
3. Share a Memory (When Appropriate)
If you had a relationship with the person who passed, sharing a positive memory or moment you shared can be comforting for the grieving person. This can remind them of the joy and love their loved one brought into the world.
Here’s how to go about it:
- “I’ll always remember the time when [Name] made us laugh so hard at the dinner party. Their sense of humor was contagious.”
- “I have such fond memories of [Name] when we worked together. They always brought such a positive energy to the team.”
- “I’m so grateful for the time I spent with [Name]. I’ll cherish the moments we shared forever.”
Sharing a memory can feel incredibly personal, so only do this if it feels appropriate. It’s best to do this when you had a connection with the deceased, and it’s important that your tone is respectful and gentle.
4. Consider the Relationship You Have with the Person
It’s important to tailor your response based on your relationship with the deceased and the person who sent the obituary. If the deceased was someone you were very close to, your message might be more heartfelt and emotional.
However, if you didn’t know the person well, your response should remain empathetic, but perhaps less personal.
If you were close to the deceased:
- “I am heartbroken by the loss of [Name]. Their kindness and laughter will never be forgotten.”
- “I’m at a loss for words. [Name] was such a dear friend, and I will miss them more than I can express.”
If you weren’t close to the deceased but know the grieving person:
- “I’m so sorry for your loss. I know how much [Name] meant to you, and my thoughts are with you during this difficult time.”
- “Sending my deepest condolences. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”
By taking the nature of your relationship into account, you can ensure your response feels authentic and appropriate.
5. Use a Gentle Tone, Avoiding Overly Formal Language
When responding to an obituary, your tone should always be gentle and sincere. Avoid overly formal or detached language.
For example, saying something like, “I express my condolences” or “Please accept my formal sympathies” might come off as stiff or impersonal.
Instead, try to keep the tone conversational and heartfelt:
- “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
- “This is such heartbreaking news. You and your family are in my thoughts.”
- “I can’t stop thinking about you all. Please let me know if there’s anything I can do.”
These examples sound more personal and less like a script. When responding, think about what you’d say if you were speaking to the person face-to-face. A natural tone will always be better than stiff, formal language.
Table: Responses to Obituaries Based on Relationship
| Relationship to the Deceased | Response Example | Key Points |
| Close Friend or Family Member | “I’m heartbroken by [Name]’s passing. They were such a big part of my life, and I’ll miss them deeply.” | Emotional, personal, reflective of the bond. |
| Casual Acquaintance or Colleague | “I’m so sorry to hear about [Name]. My thoughts are with you and your family during this tough time.” | Polite, respectful, showing care. |
| Someone You Didn’t Know Well | “I was so sorry to hear about [Name]’s passing. Please know that my thoughts are with you.” | Respectful and empathetic, but brief. |
Common Mistakes to Avoid When Responding to an Obituary
While responding to an obituary, there are a few common mistakes that can unintentionally add discomfort or come off as insensitive. Here’s a list of things to avoid:
Overloading with Words: Keep your response brief and heartfelt. Saying too much can make the grieving person feel overwhelmed.
Focusing on Yourself: Avoid saying things like, “I can’t believe this happened to us” or “I don’t know what I would do without you.” This can shift focus away from the grieving person.
Offering Unsolicited Advice: Refrain from telling someone how to grieve or offering advice unless they ask for it.
Using Clichés: Phrases like “They’re in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason” might not provide the comfort you intend, as they can feel dismissive of the pain someone is experiencing.
Conclusion
Responding to an obituary is always a delicate matter, and it can be challenging to find the right words.
The most important thing is to offer your genuine sympathy, respect the grieving process, and offer support in a way that feels authentic.
Remember, it’s okay if you don’t have the perfect words. Your thoughtfulness will be appreciated, and sometimes simply acknowledging the loss is the most meaningful response.
FAQs
Should I always respond to an obituary?
If the obituary was sent directly to you, especially by someone you know well, it’s a kind gesture to respond. Even if you weren’t very close to the deceased, your response shows that you care.
What should I avoid saying in response to an obituary?
Avoid saying things like “They’re in a better place” or offering advice unless the grieving person explicitly asks. Keep the focus on empathy and support.
Is it okay to send a card instead of replying to an obituary?
Yes! If you’re unsure about what to say, a sympathy card can be a thoughtful and respectful way to offer condolences.
